My Dearest Onion,
I've been meaning to start this for a while now, but as I'm sure you know by now, I'm not always prompt even when my intentions are good.
Currently, it's November 17, 2014 at about 2pm. I am 17 weeks and 5 days pregnant with you!
We've seen you twice. Once at about 9 weeks when you were just a blob (Awesome Grandma thinks you look like a mouse in that one) and then at 13 weeks 6 days when you actually looked like a baby!! Dad and I were so excited to see that you were developing perfectly. We have a fetal doppler that allows us to listen to your heartbeat whenever we want to, which is about every few days. Sometimes more often if I'm especially nervous that day.
You may or may not know that your Dad and I tried for about 2.5 years to have you. As you go through the rest of your life, no matter what happens, please remember one very important thing: YOU ARE LOVED AND WANTED MORE THAN ANYTHING.
Your Grandma, my Mom, cried when she found out I was pregnant. Your brother got super excited and proclaimed that you're a boy and he's going to name you "Firefast Triceratops Speedway T-Rex Thorburn". 2 weeks later he wanted to name you "Nixon". Your Dad lights up every time we hear your heartbeat or feel you kick. When he found out you could hear, he played music for you. He talks to you. He kisses my belly. He talks about your name. Just last night he was complaining that he can't hold you yet (or teach you calculus). & me... well, I wouldn't have started this if I wasn't excited. I try to feel you every chance I get. I want to hear your heartbeat every day. I'm beyond excited for the anatomy scan so I can see you again. I get sick with worry that I might do something wrong and accidentally hurt you in some way. I worry that I'm not good enough for you. I worry that I'll scar you in some way or that I'll ruin you. I worry that I'm a terrible mother and you're going to hate me. Mostly, you're all I think about. I wonder what you'll look like. I hope you'll have your Dad's freckles even though he hates them. I hope you'll be healthy and strong. I hope you'll grow up to be a good person. I hope we can instill honesty, and compassion in you. Growing up is hard and it doesn't get much easier as an adult. I just hope we can give you the tools to deal with things as they come and learn from your mistakes.
The ultrasound tech at our last visit thinks you're a boy. Dad and Nixon think you're a boy. I thought you were a boy within days of finding out I was pregnant. As of right now, We plan to name you Gideon Harper ... Dad wants to name you Gideon Harper Odin (or some other "O" name) Smith-Thorburn so your initials will be GHOST. I'm not sold, but we'll see. We also talked about Arlo, Argus, Atticus, Elijah, Emory, Galion, Ian, Mylos, Soren and Tristan. We haven't made a final decision yet and if you're a girl that will throw all of them out the window. We'll find out for sure in a few weeks.
I hope the next few months go by quickly. I can't wait to meet you!
I love you,
Mom
